Jack's Autopsy
by JelloDVDs
Summary: <html><head></head>Just a little comedy with Gwen, Ianto, Jack and a suiside mission. Jack checks everyone out and Gwen is hormonal while Inato is feeling babied. But in the end while Jack needs there help Ianto comes to the morgue and save the day.</html>


Autopsy –Takes place after my alternative ending

"Who is the fixed point in time and space?" Jack asked the room at large.

"You are," Ianto and Gwen said in monotone.

"So who gets to go on the suicide mission?"

Both Ianto and Gwen glared at him.

"I don't know why you are so upset?" Jack said, "I mean it's not like I am asking either of you to die for me. All I am asking you to do is some computer work."

"It would have been better if you did want us to do something," Gwen said, "I hate being useless."

"You are hardly useless," Jack said, "You are growing a person. That sounds like a lot of work to me."

Gwen throw a book at Jack. It hit the wall opposite him.

"You know I could not let you come to work at all," Jack said to Gwen.

She glared at him with more fury than when she has thrown the book at him.

Jack took a step back.

"I understand why you don't want Gwen to go," Ianto said, "But that doesn't mean I can't come with you."

Jack sighed.

"Ianto," Jack said, "I am going to purposely expose myself to the Ell virus so that the people making the virus will learn that it is deadly instead of continuing under the false impression they currently have that in small amounts it is the cure for all disease. What part of this scenario do you think you can help with?"

"I could help get you inside or make sure they leave your body alone so that no one sees you wait up," Ianto said hopefully.

"No," Jack said, "It is one thing when you come with the team on a mission that like all our missions could be dangerous but it is another when you come on a mission when I know you are exposing yourself to certain death for nothing other than my comfort."

"I wouldn't be coming just for you comfort!" Ianto said angrily, "I am part of Torchwood."

"I know you are," Jack yelled back but with no anger in his voice, "But every reason you just gave me for going was to do with my comfort."

Ianto didn't know what to say to that. He felt like he was being babied and he hated it.

"Even if he is more than 120 years older than me, it didn't give him the right to treat me like a child," Ianto thought to himself as he stormed off, "Fine let him go off and kill himself just to wake up alone in the dark. See if I care!"

Once Ianto was gone, Gwen turned to Jack.

"You know you really shouldn't treat him like that," Gwen said.

"I don't like treating him like that anymore than he likes it," Jack said sadly, "But if it will keep him safe…."

"Why is it you always think everything is your fault?" Gwen said, "Why is it you always think you have to protect everything? You are not god Jack!"

"No," Jack said, "I am not god. But I know all too well the pain of losing a loved one and though I know I will have to loss everyone eventually I would like to postpone it for as long as I can."

"Sometimes I forget how old you are," Gwen said.

"Lucky you," Jack said.

Before Jack left for the Ultimo Science Laboratory, where the Ell virus was being made, he got two alien artefacts out of storage. The first was the camera contact lenses and the second was something he hadn't gotten out in a long time.

Back before Jack had taken control of Torchwood. Back when he had just started working for Torchwood. He found a very interesting gadget that he never gave to them. Torchwood wasn't exactly trust worthy back then and he knew it could be horribly miss-used if it was in the wrong hands. But he needed it today.

Once he had everything he needed he left for Ultimo Science Laboratories. He knew they kept the Ell virus on the second floor in room 317 but he didn't know exactly how to go about getting in there and exposing himself to the virus in such a way as to make the idiots producing the stuff to finally listen to him. And if he woke up in a public place they may just think that since he woke up, the virus was a 'cure' after all.

But first things first, he had to get into the building.

"Excuse me," Jack said to the receptionist at the front desk of Ultimo Science Labs.

"Yes," the receptionist said. Her name tag read Ava.

"I am here for…" Jack thought for a second but couldn't think of what he could possibly say. Lucky for him Ava did.

"For the trials?" Ava asked.

"Yes," Jack said quickly. Why hadn't he thought about it before? He could just volunteer to be experimented upon and they would let him in.

"Through those doors and to your right then up the stairs and it's the first door on your left."

"Thank you very much," Jack said. Ava nodded.

Jack followed Ava's instructions and ended up in at small office with white walls. There was a man in the room sitting behind a desk. When the man stood up Jack checked him out. He had brown hair and eyes and would have been quite unremarkable if not for the expression of ambition and triumph on his face. Though Jack thought the man was at least semi-sexy he was not that impressed.

"Hello," the man said, "You must be a volunteer."

"Yes. My name is…Owen," Jack said, choosing the first name that came to mind, "Owen Smith."

"Good day Mr. Smith," the man said, "My name is Andrew McGivney but you can call me Andrew."

"You can call me Owen," Jack said.

"So Owen," Andrew said, "How did you hear of our little operation here and how much do you know about the treatment?"

"I heard about it from a friend but he asked me not to tell you his name and I know that you are working on a cure-all that is ready for human trials."

"That's good," Andrew said, "Now what is it that you want us to cure?"

"I know I don't look it," Jack said, "But a month ago I was given a year to live from the best medical doctors money can buy. I have Cancer."

"What kind of cancer?"

"Inoperable intestinal cancer."

"Ah," Andrew said, "I can see why you came to us then. Let's see we are starting human trials in a week. I think I could get you an appointment in about a month. We just ask that you consume no proscription or illegal drugs between now and then as it can interfere with the results of the trial."

"That will not be a problem," Jack said, "But can't you get me in earlier than a month?"

"I don't think so."

"Please I really need this," Jack said, "Can you at least find out for me?"

"I suppose I could check with my business partner."

"That is all I ask," Jack said and then thought, "And that you shut down your operation."

"I will be right back," Andrew said, "Please make yourself at home."

Once Andrew left Jack said out loud to himself, "Don't mind if I do" and started riffling through draws.

Once he had discovered and pocketed a few important looking papers he went into his chest pocket and pulled out a small ring. It was not much to look at. It was sliver with small red stones engraved all around it. It didn't have a front or a back but was exactly the same all the way around. Jack put it on. Jack could see no change but he knew it was working. He dashed out of the white walled room and went looking for room 317.

There were no signs leading him to room 317 but eventually he managed to find it. He opened the door walked inside and immediately saw a woman in a lab coat looking over some papers on a clip board. The women had dark brown almost black hair with a slightly copper skin tone. She had delicate hands and a soft voice. Jack thought she was gorgeous.

She was standing a little ways away from a table covered in test tubes, jars of coloured liquid and lots of other science stuff Jack didn't recognize.

The women saw him.

"Oh hi Mark," the woman said, "Did you forgot something?"

"No," Jack said, "I just thought that since you have been working so hard lately I would offer to finish up for you for the day and let you go home early."

"That's really nice of you Mark," the woman said, Jack couldn't read her name tag cause it was obscured under her lab coat, "But I really have a lot of work to do."

"You always have a lot of work to do," Jack said, "When was the last time you went home early, huh?"

"A long, long….long time ago, "the woman said with a sigh, "Oh alright Mark but you have to promise you will finish this up for me."

"I promise," Jack said. And the women left.

Jack went straight over to the table full of Science stuff and started checking the labels on all the jars, bottles, and test tubes. Not one of them read "Ell Virus."

"Okay," Jack thought to himself, "New plan."

Then Jack saw that all the things on the table had a very thin layer of dust over them.

"This can't be the right room," Jack thought. Then he heard a sound behind him and turned.

"Hey Cleo," a man said. He had pale skin and dirty blonde hair. He was a little on the short side but Jack could tell he worked out.

"Hi," Jack said unsure who the man was seeing.

"Working late again huh?" the man asked. Jack caught a glimpse of the man's name tag as he walked past Jack to the other side of the table; it said Mark. So the women he had talked to earlier must have been Cleo.

"You got me," Jack said.

"You shouldn't work so hard," Mark said, "You will burn out."

Jack shrugged.

Mark moved to the far side of the room and punched a code into a number pad Jack had not noticed because he had been too busy focusing on the table.

Once Mark had finished typing in his code the table and the floor beneath it slid over revealing a set of well-lit stairs.

"Ladies first," Mark said.

Jack went down the stairs and found himself in a very professional looking laboratory, with a high ceiling and labeled drawing all around the walls.

"Now this is more like it," Jack said to loudly for Mark not to notice but not loud enough for him make out the words.

"What was that Cleo?"

"I asked what you were working on today." Jack said thinking fast.

"Why can't I ever keep my mouth shut," Jack thought as he followed Mark into the Labs.

"I am working on the research and development of some new substances that were discovered in the rainforest recently," Mark said.

"No you are not," Jack thought, "You are studying some alien space junk that came through the rift."

"That sounds interesting," was all Jack actually said.

"Not as interesting as what I hear you have been assigned to work on," Mark said, "All I know from the rumours going around is the code name: 317. So what are you working on anyway?"

"Great so I take the identity of the one who knows where I am going," Jack thought, "Just great. I should have made Mark go home and followed Cleo down the stairs."

"You know I can't tell you Mark," Jack said.

"Yeah I know," Mark said, "But I am still really curious."

Jack kept following Mark till Mark turned down a hallway. Jack would have followed Mark down his hallway too but to tell from Mark's body language he wasn't expecting 'Cleo' to follow him down this hall.

So Jack went on alone. After walking through corridors for a few minutes he realized he needed help. He was totally lost. He went into a deserted lab and looked into his pocket for his contact lenses, opened them and put them on.

Almost the moment he put them on he saw a typed message from his team. It read: What took U so long?

Jack got a piece of paper out of his pocket so he could answer his team. He wrote: 'I am lost. Can you direct me?' on the paper and received a message in return: Find a landmark.

So Jack was directed the rest of the way by his team. It turned out that he was much closer to it than he thought he had been. Gwen and Ianto were able to get him to the Ell Virus storage room in less than ten minutes.

Once there he pulled a whole vial of the virus from a shelf and pocketed it. Jack then made a run for the stairs with his hand over his mouth like he was going to puke.

He was hoping everyone would see him looking like he was going to be sick and avoid him.

He made it to the stairs unmolested and run up them. Then he was back where he had met Cleo.

From here he knew where he was. He had to get to the main building where all the business people were. He stopped running now because that would look suspicions.

Once he was in the crowded entrance he found the nearest bathroom. Once inside he drank the whole vial of Ell virus in one go.

Now he and his team had already figured out the incubation time, the contagious level and the way the Ell Virus is transmitted before Jack went on this mission so he knew that once he took the virus he would be contagious until the first symptoms started to appear and once they did he would be dead inside of an hour. It was spread through touch.

This meant that Jack couldn't touch anymore till he felt symptoms appear and since he didn't know how long that would take he went into his pocket and pulled out a book. Man he loved his coat.

For the next two hours Jack stayed in the bathroom stall and read his book while his friend's sent him messages on his contact lenses to annoy him. There was nothing else they could do since they couldn't continue with the plan till Jack started showing symptoms.

Ianto was in charge of making sure the media showed up. Gwen was going to use the incident to put pressure on the police to investigate. All Jack had to do was die at the right time at the right time and in the right way.

After two hours of sending messages like 80085 (aka boobs) Jack's team started to notice a change in his vital signs.

They sent him a final message: Now or never.

Jack took the contacts out of his eyes and back in their case. He put his book away and left the bathroom.

Jack spent the next hour or so mingling. Since he was wearing his ring they didn't see Jack Harkness but Jack made himself known to the people there none the less.

Within half an hour the Media turned up. Ianto had fed them a bogus story about a celebrity sighting to get them there.

When Jack started to feel the wave of death wash over him he made a big deal of looking sick and then died dramatically in the middle of a crowded office building with news crews all around him.

"I wish he could have kept his contacts in," Ianto was saying to Gwen, "That way we could see where he is."

"I know Ianto," Gwen said, "But if a coroner had found alien contact lens on a random dead guy I think it would be worse."

"Huh."

"Why are you so mad at him?" Gwen asked.

"You were here," Ianto said loudly, "You saw how he treated me! I thought we were passed all this."

"I don't think anyone really knows what goes on inside his head," Gwen says, "He sees the world differently than the rest of us."

"He told me all about Alice's mother and about how he became immortal," Ianto said but quietly this time, "But even with that there is still so much that he doesn't tell us."

"He told you how he became immortal?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah," Ianto said.

Gwen looked at Ianto expectantly.

"I am not going to tell you if that is what you are after."

"Oh come on," Gwen said, "Why not?"

"He wouldn't want me to," Ianto said, "I don't think he even wanted to tell me." Ianto sighed.

Gwen laid her head down on her desk and sighed too.

"I guess," she said, "But it would still have been nice to know."

A few moments later Gwen raised her head and said, "Do you think Jack would tell me if I slept with him?"

"What?" Ianto said.

"Well you are sleeping with him and you know."

"I am not even going to dignify that with a response," Ianto said turning away from Gwen who put her head back down on the desk.

Ianto muttered, 'hormones' as he continued his work.

Meanwhile a rather dead Jack was being lifted onto a stretcher and carried to the Cardiff City Morgue.

Once there Jack was put in a draw labeled Brad Pitt.

The media were demanding to know what had killed Brad Pitt who had been in perfect health at the time.

Gwen made her call to the police department and added them to the fray. Everything seemed to be going as planned. Except for one little thing.

"Oh no," Ianto said looking at a computer screen.

"What?" Gwen asked.

Ianto turned his computer screen to Gwen so she could see the news women on it whose caption read: mysterious death at Utlimo Laboratories being investigated. Autopsy to me conducted.

"They are going to do an Autopsy on Jack?" Gwen asked, "But what does that mean?"

"I don't know," Ianto said, "But I am going to find out. Stay here."

And with that Ianto left the torchwood hub while Gwen reluctantly stayed.

Jack did not wake up inside the draw. He woke up on an Autopsy table surrounded by his own organs sitting in weight measurers. He couldn't move his arms or legs and there was a man with a very large knife standing over him.

"Stop," Jack yelled, "See not dead no need to…." Jack trailed off as he saw the knife get closer.

"Oh this is gonna hurt."

The man was cutting out Jacks heart, literally.

As the man started cutting Jack felt again the wave of familiar death wash over him and he wondered why the man couldn't tell he had woken up.

Ianto made it to Cardiff Mortuary as fast as the company car could get him there. He ran into the building flashing his torchwood badge to get in and once inside saw Jack lying open on an Autopsy table. The sight pulled at his heart.

"Stop what you are doing!" Ianto said.

"What do you mean," the man asked.

"Put everything back where you found it," Ianto said, "Right now!"

"See here," the man said thinking Ianto was a relative who couldn't cope with the loss, "This man is dead and since he died of an unknown cause I have been asked to discover the cause. There is nothing you can do to save him. I am very sorry for your loss. Was the deceased your brother?"

"He is not my brother," Ianto said, "And though he is dead now he will not be for long so why don't you humour me and put everything back where it belongs." As Ianto asked the man to humour him he casually opened his coat so the man could see his gun.

"Oh all right," the man said, "but don't be surprised when nothing happens."

Ianto went over to the table and saw that the coroner was trying to put back an organ that was already there.

"It's too late," Ianto said, "He is waking up."

"No he isn't," the man said, "You have to let him go."

Ianto ignored the man and went over to Jack's head so that the first thing Jack would see is him.

A few tense minutes later Ianto heard a heartbeat and an intake of breath. Jack opened his eyes.

"Ahhhhhhh," was the first thing out of his mouth.

"I know," Ianto said, "I'm sorry. I tried to get here earlier."

Jack looked down at himself.

"I can see my heart beating," Jack said, "That is really creepy."

"I bet it is," Ianto said smiling, "But you are almost all closed up now. It is almost over." Ianto held Jacks hand.

"Why are you consoling a corpse?" the man asked.

"I am not," Ianto said, "Are you blind? What is you name anyway?"

"Tyler Nelson," the man said, "And I am not blind at all. You are holding the hand of a corpse that I am half way through performing an Autopsy on."

Ianto looked totally non-plused. But then Jack remembered.

"The ring," Jack said, "The one with the small red stones pull it off my finger."

Once the ring was no longer touching Jacks skin Tyler screamed and fainted.

"What just happened?" Ianto asked.

"I will explain later," Jack said. His skin was finished kitting together and his spine was no longer broken. He got up not bothering to cover himself up and went to look for the clothes he had arrived in.

He found them in an evidence bag and put them on.

"What do you think?" Jack asked Ianto twirling around like a ballerina.

"Cutest corpse I ever snogged," Ianto said. Jack laughed.

"Did the media take the bait?" Jack asked.

"Yes and no," Ianto said, "They are saying the right story but somehow they think it was Brad Pitt who died and he is currently on a cruise in the Mediterranean. When he comes back…."

"You got them to the coordinates but telling them Brad Pitt would be there didn't you?"

"Well yeah," Ianto said, "How did you know?"

"I will explain later," Jack said, "Right now we need to do damage control."

So with Ianto and Jack doing the field work and Gwen back at the base doing the computer work they tidied up there little mess.

They falsified reports changing the identity of the victim to one of the people they had in cold storage. They put his body in the morgue and retconed Tyler plus a few other people. They managed to keep the media coverage they needed to expose the Ell Virus.

When they were done Gwen, Ianto and Jack all collapsed onto coaches inside the torchwood hub.

"My feet hurt," Gwen complained.

"But that doesn't have anything to do with the clean up since you were off your feet all day now does it," Ianto said.

"No I guess it doesn't," Gwen said annoyed, "But that doesn't change the fact that they hurt."

Jack chuckled.

"It's not funny Jack," Gwen said.

"Yes it is," Jack said, "I don't envy Rhys."

"Now why would you say a thing like that?" Gwen said.

"Cause I remember what it's like to have a pregnant wife," Jack said still chuckling.

Gwen through another book at her boss and this time she hit him.

"Ow," Jack said mockingly.

"Ha," Gwen said, "Got ya!"

"Yes you did," Jack said patronizingly, "good job."

Gwen stuck her tongue out at Jack and left to go to the lure for what felt like to her the millionth time that day.

"When do you think people will learn?" Ianto asked, "I mean just what two years ago we were stopping a similar experiment with Martha."

"It's hope Ianto," Jack said soberly, "The hope that one day there will be no disease. That if we can just figure out how to cure everything we will all live in harmony."

"So will we?" Ianto asked.

Jack looked confused.

"When we first met you told me the way you smelt was not cologne but 51st century pheromones. At the time I thought you were kidding but now I think you meant it. So if you were born in the 51st century then tell me, does the world get any better?"

"I don't think I should tell you that," Jack said, "Knowing the future won't help you live in the now."

"How do you know?" Ianto asked.

"Though the 20th century was not a big deal when I grow up we did know about the major events," Jack said, "So when I lived through the 20th century I know when the wars were going to start, when and where bomb were going to fall and when it would all end. And believe you me it was not fun."

"I get your point," Ianto said, resigned, "Then why don't you tell me how that ring works?"

"Okay but I think Gwen will want to hear this too," Jack said to Ianto and then yelled to Gwen, "You almost done? I think you will want to hear this."

When Gwen joined them Jack told his story.

"I found it back when I first joined Tochwood in 1899," Jack said, "I didn't know where it came from then but I knew how powerful it was. Torchwood was not the same organization then as it is now. I knew they couldn't be trusted with it so I hid it. When I took over Torchwood in 2000 I put it into the archives."

"But what is it?"

"I don't really have a name for it," Jack said, "But a long time ago there was a race called Time Lords and they not only invented and perfected time travel but they also something called psychic paper, which is a piece of paper that will show the viewer whatever it is that you the owner of the paper are trying to make them see.

"As far as I know a few scavengers got hold of a time lord's psychic paper during the time war and managed to create this ring. When you are wearing it the people around you will see whoever they expect to see."

"So that's why Tyler couldn't tell you were waking up," Ianto said, "He wasn't expecting you to wake up."

"And that's why you saw me wake up," Jack said, "You were expecting me to. If I hadn't woken up you might have seen me wake up anyway."

"Wow," Gwen said, "that is amazing. Why didn't you let me use that when that alien knocked me up over night? I could have hidden the whole thing from my family instead of you having to retcon them?"

"Oh oops," Jack said, "I forgot."

Gwen throw another book at Jack's head but it missed.


End file.
